If All Else Fails
by SaucyMongoose
Summary: Evil villains are more than destroying islands and bandicoots. They have lives beyond their evil career: family, friends, and membership discounts on laser proof toilet paper. Follow Dr. Cortex on his life long journey to decimate pesky imbeciles and prove to his colleagues he's the most diabolical villain around.
1. Chapter 1

…

I've decided I want to join the Nefarious Villains' Guild. The discounts the organization offers on evil villain essentials are quite remarkable, especially the discounts on toilet paper. Do you know how hard it is to find cheap toilet paper on Wumpa Island? Do you know how hard it is to find any toilet paper at all?

The Nefarious Villains' Guild has ultra-plush toilet paper, ultra strong toilet paper, villainous baby wipes, and the greatest of them all, LASER PROOF TOILET PAPER. I could shop for toilet paper online and have it rush ordered. I could really reap the benefits here.

Speaking of toilet paper…

…

I've realized that the simpletons I've been working so hard to destroy all this time use leaves as toilet paper. LEAVES. I mean, what else would they use? Where else are they going to get toilet paper? They aren't signed up for some imbecile benefit guild are they?

If they are, I will find it and destroy it. Simpleton imbeciles will not get discounted toilet paper.

In other news involving discount toilet paper, I rush ordered a few packages of laser proof toilet paper last night and here they are today. They smell so new. I even received free laser proof toiletries as a gift for rushing my purchase.

I can't wait to use them.

…

I got a rash from my new toilet paper. I am not comfortable discussing this any further.

…

Today, I tried to return the toilet paper I was so excited about. I couldn't. After many heated phone calls, and a few strongly worded letters to the manufacturer of these devilish pieces of paper (the Nefarious Villains' Guild couldn't do anything because they weren't the people who made the product, just the distributor), I received another set of laser proof toiletries.

I don't know whether I should use them or not. My rash has finally gone away and DO NOT want it to make a flashy comeback. I realized that this free gift does not make up for all the pain, embarrassment, and ointment my bottom and I have gone through.

…

After long hours lying in bed and eating Rocky Road ice cream I rush ordered from the Nefarious Villains' Guild, I decided I deserved some stress relief. Destroying the imbeciles who inhabit Wumpa Island might take my mind off my… tragic rash.

…

I spent a few nights brainstorming the perfect plan to terminate the existence of a few bandicoots. I'm going to take all the leftover laser proof toilet paper and make the imbeciles gain highly irritating rashes that will hopefully spread to their bottoms. They will feel my wrath. They will feel my pain. They will feel irritation and itching.

They will need lots and lots of ointment.

…

Unfortunately, my awesome and glorious plan failed.

I dropped off the many packages of toilet paper on my archenemies' doorstep. I watched from afar with my newly purchased binoculars. You probably know where I bought them. Anyways, I saw the imbeciles take the boxes inside and open them. They hooped and hollered in excitement and I had a feeling those simpletons would use it. Who wouldn't? Laser proof toilet paper is amazing.

I returned the next day only to see the king of stupid sunbathing. The queen of stupid was working on some sort of new and useless gizmo. The… jester of stupid… was lifting weights. Everything was normal and stupid.

They obviously had some sort of immunity to the ravaging effects of the laser proof toilet paper. Disappointing, right?

I'm not too fazed. A rash won't kill a bandicoot I suppose. Maybe I was too mixed up in my own evil emotions. WHATEVER. It happens to everyone.

The important thing is that I set up an appointment with my dermatologist. I might have sensitive skin or something.

…

**I think I might continue this one. I sort of like it.**


	2. Chapter 2

...

Today, I've had a long and very dismaying phone call with my niece, Nina. She's brutally honest and colder than her steel gauntlets. She made valid but critical evaluations of my evil career. She brought up every fail I ever had, even the ones she wasn't around to hear about. I told her she had no right to criticize my work when her lame excuses for evil plans always fail so miserably. It did not stop from hurting her uncle's feelings. She took numerous shots at my ego, and many of them ravaged my self-esteem.

It didn't used to be like this, I tell you.

I think I'm going to take a long bubble bath and think about things. I'm going to rub myself down with that moisturizing oil the dermatologist gave me and stuff myself with Rocky Road ice cream from the Nefarious Villains' Guild. And then, I will convince Nina's teachers to give her extra and exceedingly lengthy homework.

…

I didn't know Nina was a part of the Nefarious Villains' Guild until I received a notification this morning on my new cellular device (purchased from you-know-where). I also didn't know that the Nefarious Villains' Guild website had an instant messaging system until I received the same notification morning. Nina sent me a message saying that I have no friends and that I'm a shady, lonely old man. How cruel can one be to a dear uncle? It's really surprising and heartbreaking considering all I've done for her and her hands.

_Anyways_, I beg to differ.

I'm not even that old, honestly. Sure, the goatee makes me look a little aged- like fine, luxurious, smelly cheese- but I'm actually very youthful. I **assure** you. It's even more apparent with this moisturizing oil the dermatologist gave me. It makes me feel so _soft_. I practically look like a newborn with handsome facial hair.

And I have tons of friends. N. Brio, N. Gin, Tiny, Nefarious Tropy, Dingodile, and a whole bunch of minions. Minions count, right? Of course, they do. That's why you don't pay them their meager salaries; they're your friends.

...

Apparently, N. Brio claims he's not my friend due to "betrayals of trust in the recent past." I can't think of a time when I've ever betrayed Brio or his worthless trust. I am DOCTOR NEO CORTEX. I am above backstabbing and treachery just to take credit for a few inventions. Gosh. What a diabolical wannabe.

He's just jealous he's not as good looking, villainous, or amazing as me.

As for Tiny… I don't know about him anymore. He was one of my most loyal, powerful friends, but now he's a bit of a pushover and incredibly fashionable. He spends more time shopping for tiger-striped leotards than he does comforting my evil ego. I think he's going through a phase of some sorts. N. Gin will never be my friend- I must've been crystal crazy when I said he was my friend, because he will NEVER be my friend. It's not cool to be around Dingodile anymore. He's a freaking pyromaniac; he sets things on _fire_. When have you ever seen him without his beloved flamethrower, hm? I have too much essential facial hair to risk being in his vicinity.

I've realized that N. Tropy is a horrible person and no one should associate with him whatsoever. He thinks he's SO smart and SO handsome, but in reality he's just another diabolical poser. He spends all of his spare time secluded in the far reaches of space creating conflicting _paradoxes_. What a _nerd_. And his evil goatee is **child's play **compared to mine. If he emails me one more pun about time and space…Who even emails nowadays? I mean, that's so 2006.

He must be stuck in the past. He is also _very_ jealous of me. There's a part of me that just _knows_; I can hear the feeling rattling around in my giant, evil skull. It feels like everyone is envious nowadays. I mean, I can't help my outrageous looks and charming personality that just seems to repel the villainous ladies.

So it looks like I'm stuck with my minions. And that is fine with me. There are hundreds of them lurking in my evil lair, calling me master, and listening to me rant about lettuce tainting the urinals. They are obviously my friends.

…

I invited Nina over so she can see all of my friends assembled perfectly in my diabolical lair. I thought that this would make the constant, inconsiderate, instant messages stop, but she laughed at me in front of my minions! She upstaged my diabolical presence and made me look like a fool in front of _my own minions_! She was supposed to look like the fool! What kind of niece would do something so evil? Whose niece would do something so despicable?

Wait.

Wait a minute.

…

I've realized that only _my_ niece would do something so despicable.

Does that make me a good evil uncle?

...

**Uh, so is this okay? Please tell me if I sound stupid. This chapter might be edited later on anyway.**


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